Assertiveness – How to Firm But Fair

Paul Bayley — Individual and Relationship Counsellor

I often find clients have difficulty differentiating between assertiveness and aggression. The way I explain it is that aggression means making your point without consideration and respect for the other person. Being assertive is to make your point in a firm and clear manner that is respectful of the other person. Of course, there is always a third option (which you will find is a recurring theme in my articles) and that is to do nothing, in other words, be passive.

I always remember the old saying, a squeaky door always gets oiled. To say nothing generally means you have little chance of having your needs met, as others will either be unaware of what you want or if they pick up the clues they will be left to guess what your need is, or, indeed, if you want them to do anything about it. My father was a wonderful example of passiveness – he never wanted to be a trouble to anyone so he never spoke up for himself until it was too late, when he would get aggressive because he felt his needs weren’t being looked after. It was incredibly hard doing anything for him because I never knew what he wanted.

Being assertive means taking control of your life. While it doesn’t guarantee your needs will be met, it does increase your chances.

Fortunately, assertiveness is a skill which can be learnt.

How is it done? The first step is to be quite clear about what position you are taking. Is it a statement of where you stand on an issue, is it a request you are making, or is it saying ‘no’ to something you are not prepared to do? To be able to answer these questions you have to understand yourself and be clear about your boundaries, values, needs and thoughts. Being clear makes it much easier to get your message across.

Sometimes people struggle with the belief that being assertive equates with being selfish. Selfishness is when we are concerned only about ourselves and have no interest in the views, values, needs and rights of others. The key to the concept of assertiveness is that we all have the same rights.

It is much easier to make a stance if you first understand the other person’s point of view. Understanding their point of view does not mean you agree with it, it just means you understand and have taken it into consideration.

Assertive statements

I understand that your position is ………………….. I have a different view which is ………………………..
I understand you would like me to ………………….. but I am not prepared to take that action.
I want to ……………
I don’t want to ………
I don’t agree ………..
I am not prepared to ……….
I will ……….
I would like to ……….
Would you please advise/deliver/call/respond

Keep in mind that assertiveness is not just about the words we use, it is the clarity of our thoughts and the non-verbal messages we send. It is the tone of our voice, the amount of eye contact (averted eyes give the impression of someone who does not believe strongly in what they are saying) and our body language. As with all skills, the more we practice the more skilled we become and with time we develop our own unique style that reflects who we are.

Sydney-based relationship and individual counseling expert Paul Bayley is a regular contributor to the celebrated ‘Natural Health Booster’ fortnightly ezine with 1,000+ subscribers. If you’re ready to optimise your health, wellbeing and fertility, get your FREE tips now at www.boostyourhealthnow.com or www.boostyourfertilitynow.com.

Paul has private consultations available, to make an appointment please phone Julia or Carolina on 1300 85 84 90.

Keywords: Counsellor > Relations > Relationships