Growing Through Grief

Paul Bayley — Individual and Relationship Counsellor

In my personal experience of loss and grief and my 35 years of working with individuals and couples I have come to the conclusion that there is no set pattern to the stages of grief.

In her book “On Death and Dying” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described what she saw as the five stages that a person moved through when facing their own death. They were:

Denial (this isn’t happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if…)
Depression (I don’t care anymore)
Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes)

In numerous papers and journals I have noted that it is a commonly held belief that when a person is dealing with the loss of a loved one they move through these same stages in this exact order.
My experience has shown me that no two people deal with a loss in the same way but I have observed that most people experience most of the above emotional states in varying orders and to varying degrees.
When a tragic situation occurs most people are more inclined to initially describe their reaction as becoming numb due to being overwhelmed by the enormity of the situation. When this happens they can find it difficult to function and yet some will cope by becoming very “mechanical” in their functioning, such as continuing to carry out work or home duties, almost being unaware of what they are doing.
When this happens they are turned inward and are not all that aware of what is going on around them because they are struggling to cope with their internal emotional storm.
When a tragedy occurs, such as the loss of a child, this can throw a relationship into a very confusing state and can be a testing time for many.
In my experience the relationships that cope the best are those where the partners are supportive of each other but where they also have other support networks outside the primary relationship. These can be family, friends, neighbours, social groups or work colleagues.
Where difficulties can arise for a couple is when they have an expectation that their partner will always be there to support them. If both people are feeling that they are drowning in their emotions and are struggling to cope, then it can be very difficult for them to be available to support each other. This can lead them feeling let down or abandoned by their partner at a time when they need them most.
If a relationship is already in trouble before a tragedy occurs, it can often lead to the breakdown of that relationship. On the other hand, most people report that once they are over the initial shock and confusion, they have found that the common grief and tough times have actually strengthened their relationship and brought them closer together.
Where it is particularly tough is where individuals and couples are facing a major loss for the first time in their lives and they do not have the life experience, skills or knowledge on how to deal with it. My own experience is that the first time I faced a loss it was incredibly difficult as I had no idea what was happening to me or that there would be an end to it. The next time I had a loss it was still incredibly painful but I had the knowledge that what was happening to me was normal and that I would eventually be ok and I found this was a great comfort.
Counselling is a very useful way of moving through the different stages of grief. Clients have told me that it was most helpful talking to somebody who wasn’t constantly trying to tell them how they should be feeling and what they should do to fix themselves. It was also an opportunity for them to just explore what they were feeling and thinking in a non-judgmental and safe environment, and then figure out how to deal with the future. This often involves learning new skills, developing new coping mechanisms and gaining a greater understanding of themselves.

Sydney-based relationship and individual counseling expert Paul Bayley is a regular contributor to the celebrated ‘Natural Health Booster’ fortnightly ezine with 1,000+ subscribers. If you’re ready to optimise your health, wellbeing and fertility, get your FREE tips now at www.boostyourhealthnow.com or www.boostyourfertilitynow.com.

Paul has private consultations available, to make an appointment please phone Julia or Carolina on 1300 85 84 90.

Keywords: Counsellor > Loss and grief